A question about hopelessness and sadness
There is knowing that I am not the body or mind. There is knowing that everything is consciousness. There is spaciousness at times and not at others and still there is knowing that everything is included, everything is It. But there has not been a shift- a falling in love with it that so many speak of- only intellectual understanding. The intellectual understanding knows that there is nothing to do, there is no where to go, that the shift will happen when it happens if it happens.
So I have come to a standstill- I can't find the point of anything- what is the use of reading the next book or going to a retreat or listening to tapes and feeling "spaciousness". It just comes and goes as it will. Most concepts have disappeared- God, reincarnation, spirituality, right and wrong, etc. and the identities that formed a "me" are eroding- I don't feel anything hearing the National Anthem, I take no pride in my ancestry, feel apolitical- just so detached from everything and everyone. It scares me that the drive to know the truth has just died. There is such sadness and hopelessness.
Hopelessness is the unwelcome twin brother of hope. Wherever hope appears, the twin is not far behind. Hoping that one ‘gets it’ is the nice way of saying that one is afraid to not get it.
It is clear that you have read a lot, but perhaps one essential point has been missed. That point would be that all these words and concepts are in themselves barren, just as the word sugar is forever devoid of flavor.
All words about ‘The Truth’ are mere pointers and have no ultimate truth within them.
The words that come up now do not presume to be able to convert you to a hopeful person, but they are trying to point to THAT what is aware of the person; including the hope and the hopelessness. They say: “Never mind what we read, the mystery is in THAT what is aware OF the reading.”
You know, words about falling in love with this, and a shift to be made, are also just concepts. Actually there cannot be a shift from the experience of hopelessness to THAT what is no experience at all. All these words point from and to IT. IT stands here for the inexperience-able experiencing at the very core of Being, prior to all states, ideas and concepts.
There is no one apart from This to fall in love with it, but as long as that position is present why not use it? What I mean is this: Surrender everything; all knowledge, all fear, all hope, all desperation and all ideas about a shift that should occur. Make all pain and depression that does not want to leave welcome. Notice all possible resistance to this and make that welcome too.
With your knowledge of non dual philosophy, you might say that there is no one that can do this, but if this is truly clear, then there can also be no one to be hopeless. The apparent path of knowledge has brought ‘you’ to the edge. Why not jump from this edge, empty handed into the abyss of the Unknown? Or, if this is not possible, why not see if devotion is available? Make the ugly twin brother at home and say to the ONE “Do with me as Thou willeth” or “Thy will be done.” All this without hope to fall in love and above all without despair that it will not happen.
Surrender the idea that IT is an experience, a shift, or anything known, to be had by some one that now does not have it. In and beyond all this is the Knowing-That-You-Are, which cannot be denied. This Knowing-Presence is your ‘Original Face.’ It is the Unknown prior to thought, yet IT expresses as the thought I Am. This is what you ARE; not what you will become, not what you will fall in or out of love with, but what you are: WHAT IS.
Finally, if at all possible, forget all this, and -if you are blessed with a healthy pair of legs- take walks in nature or in town -eyes and ears wide open- and be willing to be amazed with ordinary Beingness. If the question comes “What is the use of all this?” see who cares.
Simply BE AS YOU ARE.
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